So today is Day 4 of praying for my husband.
We are already facing retaliation. He is argumentative, pushing an old agenda and manipulating conversations. To be totally honest, I am not sure if any of these conversations are drug induced. He say's NO and I am going to assume NO until proven different.
But if that is the case, it makes talking to him much more challenging. For anyone who is sober and married to a drug addict or alcoholic, their mind is not right and that makes communication all the more difficult.
They have blinders on to what they can only see and assume.
I have not been perfect, please don't get me wrong but in the last month I have been really trying to be kind to him. Even when he is not. He still blames me for every decision he has made in his life and a life that is not working out well for him.
He said he wanted a divorce. I told him that choice is his and that I will be fine either way for he does not define me. HE does. Praise God.
I am being obedient and doing what God says. I will be fine. Always keeping in mind, free will. Either way....God has me.
God give me strength during these 30 days.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Day 1
I am going to be blogging about praying for your husbands. Let me explain. I am have been separated from my husband for 2 years. We have the MOST toxic relationship and we can only communicate through email to keep us both calm.
Anger has prevailed in our relationship.
We are both Christians. He is called to be a Pastor. He also has a huge past of drugs and gang banging before Christ.
When life gets bad....and it did...he went back and reopened the door. I, on the other hand, was too angry to care about his needs and what Christ wants me to do.
The last two years are marked with being out of God's will, anger is always there, cancer, death, drugs and infidelity.
We have both tried to move on. Divorce papers were drawn up but for some reason, it never was able to be granted or go through. God stopped it.
Now we are to the point that we think being divorced is what God wants. That is what we tell ourselves but we both know the Lord enough to know, that goes against HIS will. But you get so angry that you don't care. You would rather deal with God's wrath than the wrath of your spouse. BUT....for some reason.....we cannot let go. We are both accountable for our marriage. We are both broken.
A movie came out call War Room and it goes with what God has been trying to tell me. PRAY for your husband. I would do it once or twice....then stop because he made me mad and he has free will so it seemed hopeless. AND I didn't want to set myself up for more hurt and dashed hopes.
So after I saw the movie and was suckered punched by the Holy Spirit, I started a 31 day of prayer for my husband. I also included me and my children.
Day 1 was praying for him and scripture to follow. Mark 12:30 "and you shall love the Lord our God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength."
After praying in my special spot I felt....good. At peace. More peace than ever before. My marriage seems totally hopeless. But we are at the point there ONLY ONE can fix. So...I'm trying it.
We have been emailing and no arguments. If we do, I will tell you. Last night we met for the first time in awhile and just went on top of a mountain at 10 PM and gazed at the moon. We have to be careful because our conversations can revert to the past and the pain quickly. It was nice. I had a nice time. Then he went his way and I went mine.
Anger has prevailed in our relationship.
We are both Christians. He is called to be a Pastor. He also has a huge past of drugs and gang banging before Christ.
When life gets bad....and it did...he went back and reopened the door. I, on the other hand, was too angry to care about his needs and what Christ wants me to do.
The last two years are marked with being out of God's will, anger is always there, cancer, death, drugs and infidelity.
We have both tried to move on. Divorce papers were drawn up but for some reason, it never was able to be granted or go through. God stopped it.
Now we are to the point that we think being divorced is what God wants. That is what we tell ourselves but we both know the Lord enough to know, that goes against HIS will. But you get so angry that you don't care. You would rather deal with God's wrath than the wrath of your spouse. BUT....for some reason.....we cannot let go. We are both accountable for our marriage. We are both broken.
A movie came out call War Room and it goes with what God has been trying to tell me. PRAY for your husband. I would do it once or twice....then stop because he made me mad and he has free will so it seemed hopeless. AND I didn't want to set myself up for more hurt and dashed hopes.
So after I saw the movie and was suckered punched by the Holy Spirit, I started a 31 day of prayer for my husband. I also included me and my children.
Day 1 was praying for him and scripture to follow. Mark 12:30 "and you shall love the Lord our God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength."
After praying in my special spot I felt....good. At peace. More peace than ever before. My marriage seems totally hopeless. But we are at the point there ONLY ONE can fix. So...I'm trying it.
We have been emailing and no arguments. If we do, I will tell you. Last night we met for the first time in awhile and just went on top of a mountain at 10 PM and gazed at the moon. We have to be careful because our conversations can revert to the past and the pain quickly. It was nice. I had a nice time. Then he went his way and I went mine.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Really Lord!?
I am going to confess something....something horrible.....I literally do not like someone. Actually there are times I could hate them. They bring out the worse in me and I am spiritually ugly when dealing with them.
They always point out my shortcomings and my flaws without even looking at their own. They can be a master at manipulating and pushing.
When I talk to them (I have to at times), I can stay calm for about 10 minutes then....I lose it. I am not proud of it and it is something I grieve the Holy Spirit over.
I pray constantly for help in this area. Paul had a thorn. I guarantee you, THIS IS MY THORN. I have begged God to release me on this issue on a constant basis and it is still here. UGH!
My mood can change from happy to mad in a split second. I can feel great about my walk and in one conversation with this person and I feel like the worse Christian on the planet. They like to use my walk to manipulate me. Make me feel horrible and guilty so they can get their way or feel better about themselves. At least that is my perception.
This will be an ongoing battle with me and I am sure I will fail many more times. The only way I can get through this is to cut myself off completely. It is tearing my walk to shreds. I refuse to let anyone take that from me again.
They always point out my shortcomings and my flaws without even looking at their own. They can be a master at manipulating and pushing.
When I talk to them (I have to at times), I can stay calm for about 10 minutes then....I lose it. I am not proud of it and it is something I grieve the Holy Spirit over.
I pray constantly for help in this area. Paul had a thorn. I guarantee you, THIS IS MY THORN. I have begged God to release me on this issue on a constant basis and it is still here. UGH!
My mood can change from happy to mad in a split second. I can feel great about my walk and in one conversation with this person and I feel like the worse Christian on the planet. They like to use my walk to manipulate me. Make me feel horrible and guilty so they can get their way or feel better about themselves. At least that is my perception.
This will be an ongoing battle with me and I am sure I will fail many more times. The only way I can get through this is to cut myself off completely. It is tearing my walk to shreds. I refuse to let anyone take that from me again.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Personal Relationship
I gave my heart to God in 1977. I was 9 years old. For most of my life I have heard preachers, missionaries, TV Evangelists, Authors and Sunday School teachers say, "You need a personal relationship with Christ."
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
This is new...
I am experiencing something that I have never walked through before in my career and it disturbs me.
When I took this position I did not know the obstacles I would have to overcome. Having a heart for God and a desire to help women heal made these obstacles very challenging.
Our company is being bought. The potential "new" owners are coming into our office and having 15 minute meetings with each of us. I have had every employee come into my office and tell me what they are going to tell them in their 15 minutes of fame. It was mostly negative. I knew I did not want to be negative. I could have been. I could have went in with a calloused heart but I knew God did not want that for me.
After a long day of interviewing the office, at the end of the day, it was my turn. They specifically asked for me to stay longer to meet which I did. But the flurry of women before set the tone for my moment. After my meeting I left feeling smarmy. I felt dirty and upset. I went to bed feeling that and got up still feeling that. I could not figure out why. I asked God on my way in and I didn't get an answer until I was explaining to my feelings to another Christian co-worker. After each employee's meetings they would come into my office and talk about what they said. It was negative. They were throwing their own co-workers under the bus for fear of losing their own jobs. But the fault was not the employees alone, the questions being asked were point blank and negative. "What would you change?" "If you were President, what would you do different." This would be a negative answer which lead to venting and name dropping and unfairness.
I started crying. I felt sad and saw just how dark my office really was. When the rubber met the road they didn't care for one another. They threw each other under the bus.
My heart is heavy. Has everything I tried to do in 4 years for nothing?
Yes, allot of it is true but don't we still have to live with ourselves? Am I the only one who is discouraged at this? Come to find out, I am. The moment change came a callin' the little light that may have been here was distinguished for our own greater good.
As I write this I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "During this time, you can either shine your light and be filled with joy so everyone can see Me in you or you can conform to the "world" of your office."
No matter how long we have served God, our free will does not leave us, we still need to chose everyday, "the world or God? The choice is up to you (us)."
When I took this position I did not know the obstacles I would have to overcome. Having a heart for God and a desire to help women heal made these obstacles very challenging.
Our company is being bought. The potential "new" owners are coming into our office and having 15 minute meetings with each of us. I have had every employee come into my office and tell me what they are going to tell them in their 15 minutes of fame. It was mostly negative. I knew I did not want to be negative. I could have been. I could have went in with a calloused heart but I knew God did not want that for me.
After a long day of interviewing the office, at the end of the day, it was my turn. They specifically asked for me to stay longer to meet which I did. But the flurry of women before set the tone for my moment. After my meeting I left feeling smarmy. I felt dirty and upset. I went to bed feeling that and got up still feeling that. I could not figure out why. I asked God on my way in and I didn't get an answer until I was explaining to my feelings to another Christian co-worker. After each employee's meetings they would come into my office and talk about what they said. It was negative. They were throwing their own co-workers under the bus for fear of losing their own jobs. But the fault was not the employees alone, the questions being asked were point blank and negative. "What would you change?" "If you were President, what would you do different." This would be a negative answer which lead to venting and name dropping and unfairness.
I started crying. I felt sad and saw just how dark my office really was. When the rubber met the road they didn't care for one another. They threw each other under the bus.
My heart is heavy. Has everything I tried to do in 4 years for nothing?
Yes, allot of it is true but don't we still have to live with ourselves? Am I the only one who is discouraged at this? Come to find out, I am. The moment change came a callin' the little light that may have been here was distinguished for our own greater good.
As I write this I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "During this time, you can either shine your light and be filled with joy so everyone can see Me in you or you can conform to the "world" of your office."
No matter how long we have served God, our free will does not leave us, we still need to chose everyday, "the world or God? The choice is up to you (us)."
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Missionary to....corporate.
When I was a little girl I use to want to be a missionary. I wanted to travel, see the world and make a difference. Instead, I am a manager at a corporation overseeing 20 middle aged women. God has a sense of humor.
I shake my head in amazement at what comes through my office door. I have women who should know better, who, as far as the majority of the world, are rich, who have had and raised babies to behave properly, who for some reason cannot get along.
Individually each woman is great. I love them all but collectively they are worse then elementary ages children bullying each other on the playground.
One is mad at the other for not saying, "Good Morning" to her. One is mad at another for yelling at her about the shredder machine. One is mad at the other because they think they know it all. One is mad at the other because they have kept a tally of how often the other employee leaves 5 minutes early. One is mad at the other because she always comes in late. On and on and on. Daily. No reprieve. We have a park with a lake next to the office and on really bad days when people are mad, cussing and dropping the "F" bomb (Yes I am not kidding), I run to the park, get in a boat and sit in the middle of the lake. I cry out to God asking, "Really Lord? Why?" I am drained just writing about it. Then I remember the blessing of a job and how I should be thankful. I am trying to be. I tell the Lord "Thank You" but on really bad days, I am not thankful.
I hate bullying of any kind and to see grown women (and a few men) bully each other is appalling to me. We have yelling matches, cussing matches, loud eruptions of anger. We have an owner who pits one employee against another. Who does not keep the arguments with upper management within the private confines of the board room. He likes to tell all the employees about the fights and arguments. We have employees who get preferential treatment and others who are ignored, just because. We have jealously running a muck and needless to say, God is no where to be found in this office. At least that is how I feel. I tried to do a bible study and I had several women who were interested. No one did the course study, nothing was completed and it was not a priority. So, they started quitting. That was the only God in the office.
How do you teach grown ups to respect each person? How do you teach grown ups to learn to work together? How do you teach grown ups to love as God has loved.
I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.
When I look up at heaven and cry out to God all I hear in return is, "welcome to the mission field."
I shake my head in amazement at what comes through my office door. I have women who should know better, who, as far as the majority of the world, are rich, who have had and raised babies to behave properly, who for some reason cannot get along.
Individually each woman is great. I love them all but collectively they are worse then elementary ages children bullying each other on the playground.
One is mad at the other for not saying, "Good Morning" to her. One is mad at another for yelling at her about the shredder machine. One is mad at the other because they think they know it all. One is mad at the other because they have kept a tally of how often the other employee leaves 5 minutes early. One is mad at the other because she always comes in late. On and on and on. Daily. No reprieve. We have a park with a lake next to the office and on really bad days when people are mad, cussing and dropping the "F" bomb (Yes I am not kidding), I run to the park, get in a boat and sit in the middle of the lake. I cry out to God asking, "Really Lord? Why?" I am drained just writing about it. Then I remember the blessing of a job and how I should be thankful. I am trying to be. I tell the Lord "Thank You" but on really bad days, I am not thankful.
I hate bullying of any kind and to see grown women (and a few men) bully each other is appalling to me. We have yelling matches, cussing matches, loud eruptions of anger. We have an owner who pits one employee against another. Who does not keep the arguments with upper management within the private confines of the board room. He likes to tell all the employees about the fights and arguments. We have employees who get preferential treatment and others who are ignored, just because. We have jealously running a muck and needless to say, God is no where to be found in this office. At least that is how I feel. I tried to do a bible study and I had several women who were interested. No one did the course study, nothing was completed and it was not a priority. So, they started quitting. That was the only God in the office.
How do you teach grown ups to respect each person? How do you teach grown ups to learn to work together? How do you teach grown ups to love as God has loved.
I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.
When I look up at heaven and cry out to God all I hear in return is, "welcome to the mission field."
Thursday, May 21, 2015
A Change
I have made a decision. My life is in the midst of a transition. I have been separated for two years and my divorce is almost complete.
I thought about the rest of my life and what I want (need) to do.
My passion has been women and especially abused women and children. I am going to volunteer at a shelter in Denver, CO. I just filled out my application and sent it in. I feel very good about it.
I have ministered to women in these situations before but I would come from a place of, "I understand, I have been there."
I could go on and on about my thoughts on men who abuse women. Not just physically but emotional and mentally. I HATE bullying of any kind. For one person to think he is better than another that he can do that to someone is horrible. This is where my passion is. This is where I want to make a difference.
My story is not as bad as others but the fear or someone you love exploding for no reason is there. There has been physical contact but others have had it worse. I want to help in putting a stop to that mentality that this is OK.
I had a conversation with an abuser the other day. He says that when he gets mad he "sees red" and loses all coherent thought. That sounds dark to me. Evil. Driven by Satan himself. But yet, knowing that, I still do not have compassion for the abuser. I need to work on that.
I feel good with this new decision on my new journey. More to come.
I thought about the rest of my life and what I want (need) to do.
My passion has been women and especially abused women and children. I am going to volunteer at a shelter in Denver, CO. I just filled out my application and sent it in. I feel very good about it.
I have ministered to women in these situations before but I would come from a place of, "I understand, I have been there."
I could go on and on about my thoughts on men who abuse women. Not just physically but emotional and mentally. I HATE bullying of any kind. For one person to think he is better than another that he can do that to someone is horrible. This is where my passion is. This is where I want to make a difference.
My story is not as bad as others but the fear or someone you love exploding for no reason is there. There has been physical contact but others have had it worse. I want to help in putting a stop to that mentality that this is OK.
I had a conversation with an abuser the other day. He says that when he gets mad he "sees red" and loses all coherent thought. That sounds dark to me. Evil. Driven by Satan himself. But yet, knowing that, I still do not have compassion for the abuser. I need to work on that.
I feel good with this new decision on my new journey. More to come.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Welcome ~
You know that moment in life where you are single (divorced), your children are grown and you are facing a new season in your life?
You ask yourself, "What am I going to do? What do I want to do?" I am still learning this for myself but I do know enough to know that I want to make a difference.
I have worked in a corporate office, hitting a time clock for over 30 years. I have gained allot of knowledge in my profession and have climbed the corporate ladder and I was being blessed financially. For this I am truly thankful.
But to be honest, its not enough. I want to make a difference. I want to make an impact. This feeling probably comes from me serving the Lord for 40 years. I have gave my heart to the Lord at 9 years of age and I have been sitting and waiting. I have four (grown) children and I have home schooled for 18 years. That season is over. I am preparing for the next season and I want to make my days matter.
I am in prayer of this and asking God for direction. The one passion that has been in my life is women and the abuse of women and children. I am leaning toward this area. I will let you know when I get a confirmation.
This ministry is about women, for women. To me, Jael is a mighty woman of God who takes a back seat to Ruth, Esther and Deborah in the bible only because her story is only a few lines long but she made a difference in her day. In Judges 4: 17-22, 5:6, 24-27. Jael means "wild or mountain goat" or "gazelle." While her enemy slept (Sisera), she took a tent pin in one and with a maul in the other and she drove the pin home through the skull of Sisera as he slept. Sisera was an enemy of Israel. She saved her country in one swoop.
This blog is for the quiet ladies who deep down, have the strength to do what is right, stand strong and know she is valued.
You ask yourself, "What am I going to do? What do I want to do?" I am still learning this for myself but I do know enough to know that I want to make a difference.
I have worked in a corporate office, hitting a time clock for over 30 years. I have gained allot of knowledge in my profession and have climbed the corporate ladder and I was being blessed financially. For this I am truly thankful.
But to be honest, its not enough. I want to make a difference. I want to make an impact. This feeling probably comes from me serving the Lord for 40 years. I have gave my heart to the Lord at 9 years of age and I have been sitting and waiting. I have four (grown) children and I have home schooled for 18 years. That season is over. I am preparing for the next season and I want to make my days matter.
I am in prayer of this and asking God for direction. The one passion that has been in my life is women and the abuse of women and children. I am leaning toward this area. I will let you know when I get a confirmation.
This ministry is about women, for women. To me, Jael is a mighty woman of God who takes a back seat to Ruth, Esther and Deborah in the bible only because her story is only a few lines long but she made a difference in her day. In Judges 4: 17-22, 5:6, 24-27. Jael means "wild or mountain goat" or "gazelle." While her enemy slept (Sisera), she took a tent pin in one and with a maul in the other and she drove the pin home through the skull of Sisera as he slept. Sisera was an enemy of Israel. She saved her country in one swoop.
This blog is for the quiet ladies who deep down, have the strength to do what is right, stand strong and know she is valued.
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