I am going to confess something....something horrible.....I literally do not like someone. Actually there are times I could hate them. They bring out the worse in me and I am spiritually ugly when dealing with them.
They always point out my shortcomings and my flaws without even looking at their own. They can be a master at manipulating and pushing.
When I talk to them (I have to at times), I can stay calm for about 10 minutes then....I lose it. I am not proud of it and it is something I grieve the Holy Spirit over.
I pray constantly for help in this area. Paul had a thorn. I guarantee you, THIS IS MY THORN. I have begged God to release me on this issue on a constant basis and it is still here. UGH!
My mood can change from happy to mad in a split second. I can feel great about my walk and in one conversation with this person and I feel like the worse Christian on the planet. They like to use my walk to manipulate me. Make me feel horrible and guilty so they can get their way or feel better about themselves. At least that is my perception.
This will be an ongoing battle with me and I am sure I will fail many more times. The only way I can get through this is to cut myself off completely. It is tearing my walk to shreds. I refuse to let anyone take that from me again.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Personal Relationship
I gave my heart to God in 1977. I was 9 years old. For most of my life I have heard preachers, missionaries, TV Evangelists, Authors and Sunday School teachers say, "You need a personal relationship with Christ."
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
This is new...
I am experiencing something that I have never walked through before in my career and it disturbs me.
When I took this position I did not know the obstacles I would have to overcome. Having a heart for God and a desire to help women heal made these obstacles very challenging.
Our company is being bought. The potential "new" owners are coming into our office and having 15 minute meetings with each of us. I have had every employee come into my office and tell me what they are going to tell them in their 15 minutes of fame. It was mostly negative. I knew I did not want to be negative. I could have been. I could have went in with a calloused heart but I knew God did not want that for me.
After a long day of interviewing the office, at the end of the day, it was my turn. They specifically asked for me to stay longer to meet which I did. But the flurry of women before set the tone for my moment. After my meeting I left feeling smarmy. I felt dirty and upset. I went to bed feeling that and got up still feeling that. I could not figure out why. I asked God on my way in and I didn't get an answer until I was explaining to my feelings to another Christian co-worker. After each employee's meetings they would come into my office and talk about what they said. It was negative. They were throwing their own co-workers under the bus for fear of losing their own jobs. But the fault was not the employees alone, the questions being asked were point blank and negative. "What would you change?" "If you were President, what would you do different." This would be a negative answer which lead to venting and name dropping and unfairness.
I started crying. I felt sad and saw just how dark my office really was. When the rubber met the road they didn't care for one another. They threw each other under the bus.
My heart is heavy. Has everything I tried to do in 4 years for nothing?
Yes, allot of it is true but don't we still have to live with ourselves? Am I the only one who is discouraged at this? Come to find out, I am. The moment change came a callin' the little light that may have been here was distinguished for our own greater good.
As I write this I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "During this time, you can either shine your light and be filled with joy so everyone can see Me in you or you can conform to the "world" of your office."
No matter how long we have served God, our free will does not leave us, we still need to chose everyday, "the world or God? The choice is up to you (us)."
When I took this position I did not know the obstacles I would have to overcome. Having a heart for God and a desire to help women heal made these obstacles very challenging.
Our company is being bought. The potential "new" owners are coming into our office and having 15 minute meetings with each of us. I have had every employee come into my office and tell me what they are going to tell them in their 15 minutes of fame. It was mostly negative. I knew I did not want to be negative. I could have been. I could have went in with a calloused heart but I knew God did not want that for me.
After a long day of interviewing the office, at the end of the day, it was my turn. They specifically asked for me to stay longer to meet which I did. But the flurry of women before set the tone for my moment. After my meeting I left feeling smarmy. I felt dirty and upset. I went to bed feeling that and got up still feeling that. I could not figure out why. I asked God on my way in and I didn't get an answer until I was explaining to my feelings to another Christian co-worker. After each employee's meetings they would come into my office and talk about what they said. It was negative. They were throwing their own co-workers under the bus for fear of losing their own jobs. But the fault was not the employees alone, the questions being asked were point blank and negative. "What would you change?" "If you were President, what would you do different." This would be a negative answer which lead to venting and name dropping and unfairness.
I started crying. I felt sad and saw just how dark my office really was. When the rubber met the road they didn't care for one another. They threw each other under the bus.
My heart is heavy. Has everything I tried to do in 4 years for nothing?
Yes, allot of it is true but don't we still have to live with ourselves? Am I the only one who is discouraged at this? Come to find out, I am. The moment change came a callin' the little light that may have been here was distinguished for our own greater good.
As I write this I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "During this time, you can either shine your light and be filled with joy so everyone can see Me in you or you can conform to the "world" of your office."
No matter how long we have served God, our free will does not leave us, we still need to chose everyday, "the world or God? The choice is up to you (us)."
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Missionary to....corporate.
When I was a little girl I use to want to be a missionary. I wanted to travel, see the world and make a difference. Instead, I am a manager at a corporation overseeing 20 middle aged women. God has a sense of humor.
I shake my head in amazement at what comes through my office door. I have women who should know better, who, as far as the majority of the world, are rich, who have had and raised babies to behave properly, who for some reason cannot get along.
Individually each woman is great. I love them all but collectively they are worse then elementary ages children bullying each other on the playground.
One is mad at the other for not saying, "Good Morning" to her. One is mad at another for yelling at her about the shredder machine. One is mad at the other because they think they know it all. One is mad at the other because they have kept a tally of how often the other employee leaves 5 minutes early. One is mad at the other because she always comes in late. On and on and on. Daily. No reprieve. We have a park with a lake next to the office and on really bad days when people are mad, cussing and dropping the "F" bomb (Yes I am not kidding), I run to the park, get in a boat and sit in the middle of the lake. I cry out to God asking, "Really Lord? Why?" I am drained just writing about it. Then I remember the blessing of a job and how I should be thankful. I am trying to be. I tell the Lord "Thank You" but on really bad days, I am not thankful.
I hate bullying of any kind and to see grown women (and a few men) bully each other is appalling to me. We have yelling matches, cussing matches, loud eruptions of anger. We have an owner who pits one employee against another. Who does not keep the arguments with upper management within the private confines of the board room. He likes to tell all the employees about the fights and arguments. We have employees who get preferential treatment and others who are ignored, just because. We have jealously running a muck and needless to say, God is no where to be found in this office. At least that is how I feel. I tried to do a bible study and I had several women who were interested. No one did the course study, nothing was completed and it was not a priority. So, they started quitting. That was the only God in the office.
How do you teach grown ups to respect each person? How do you teach grown ups to learn to work together? How do you teach grown ups to love as God has loved.
I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.
When I look up at heaven and cry out to God all I hear in return is, "welcome to the mission field."
I shake my head in amazement at what comes through my office door. I have women who should know better, who, as far as the majority of the world, are rich, who have had and raised babies to behave properly, who for some reason cannot get along.
Individually each woman is great. I love them all but collectively they are worse then elementary ages children bullying each other on the playground.
One is mad at the other for not saying, "Good Morning" to her. One is mad at another for yelling at her about the shredder machine. One is mad at the other because they think they know it all. One is mad at the other because they have kept a tally of how often the other employee leaves 5 minutes early. One is mad at the other because she always comes in late. On and on and on. Daily. No reprieve. We have a park with a lake next to the office and on really bad days when people are mad, cussing and dropping the "F" bomb (Yes I am not kidding), I run to the park, get in a boat and sit in the middle of the lake. I cry out to God asking, "Really Lord? Why?" I am drained just writing about it. Then I remember the blessing of a job and how I should be thankful. I am trying to be. I tell the Lord "Thank You" but on really bad days, I am not thankful.
I hate bullying of any kind and to see grown women (and a few men) bully each other is appalling to me. We have yelling matches, cussing matches, loud eruptions of anger. We have an owner who pits one employee against another. Who does not keep the arguments with upper management within the private confines of the board room. He likes to tell all the employees about the fights and arguments. We have employees who get preferential treatment and others who are ignored, just because. We have jealously running a muck and needless to say, God is no where to be found in this office. At least that is how I feel. I tried to do a bible study and I had several women who were interested. No one did the course study, nothing was completed and it was not a priority. So, they started quitting. That was the only God in the office.
How do you teach grown ups to respect each person? How do you teach grown ups to learn to work together? How do you teach grown ups to love as God has loved.
I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.
When I look up at heaven and cry out to God all I hear in return is, "welcome to the mission field."
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