This is new...

I am experiencing something that I have never walked through before in my career and it disturbs me.

When I took this position I did not know the obstacles I would have to overcome.  Having a heart for God and a desire to help women heal made these obstacles very challenging.

Our company is being bought.  The potential "new" owners are coming into our office and having 15 minute meetings with each of us.  I have had every employee come into my office and tell me what they are going to tell them in their 15 minutes of fame.  It was mostly negative.  I knew I did not want to be negative.  I could have been.  I could have went in with a calloused heart but I knew God did not want that for me.

After a long day of interviewing the office, at the end of the day, it was my turn.  They specifically asked for me to stay longer to meet which I did.  But the flurry of women before set the tone for my moment.  After my meeting I left feeling smarmy.  I felt dirty and upset.  I went to bed feeling that and got up still feeling that.  I could not figure out why.  I asked God on my way in and I didn't get an answer until I was explaining to my feelings to another Christian co-worker.  After each employee's meetings they would come into my office and talk about what they said.  It was negative.  They were throwing their own co-workers under the bus for fear of losing their own jobs.  But the fault was not the employees alone, the questions being asked were point blank and negative.  "What would you change?" "If you were President, what would you do different." This would be a negative answer which lead to venting and name dropping and unfairness.

I started crying. I felt sad and saw just how dark my office really was.  When the rubber met the road they didn't care for one another.  They threw each other under the bus.

My heart is heavy.  Has everything I tried to do in 4 years for nothing? 

Yes, allot of it is true but don't we still have to live with ourselves? Am I the only one who is discouraged at this?  Come to find out, I am.  The moment change came a callin' the little light that may have been here was distinguished for our own greater good. 

As I write this I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "During this time, you can either shine your light and be filled with joy so everyone can see Me in you or you can conform to the "world" of your office."

No matter how long we have served God, our free will does not leave us, we still need to chose everyday, "the world or God? The choice is up to you (us)."