So today is Day 4 of praying for my husband.
We are already facing retaliation. He is argumentative, pushing an old agenda and manipulating conversations. To be totally honest, I am not sure if any of these conversations are drug induced. He say's NO and I am going to assume NO until proven different.
But if that is the case, it makes talking to him much more challenging. For anyone who is sober and married to a drug addict or alcoholic, their mind is not right and that makes communication all the more difficult.
They have blinders on to what they can only see and assume.
I have not been perfect, please don't get me wrong but in the last month I have been really trying to be kind to him. Even when he is not. He still blames me for every decision he has made in his life and a life that is not working out well for him.
He said he wanted a divorce. I told him that choice is his and that I will be fine either way for he does not define me. HE does. Praise God.
I am being obedient and doing what God says. I will be fine. Always keeping in mind, free will. Either way....God has me.
God give me strength during these 30 days.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Day 1
I am going to be blogging about praying for your husbands. Let me explain. I am have been separated from my husband for 2 years. We have the MOST toxic relationship and we can only communicate through email to keep us both calm.
Anger has prevailed in our relationship.
We are both Christians. He is called to be a Pastor. He also has a huge past of drugs and gang banging before Christ.
When life gets bad....and it did...he went back and reopened the door. I, on the other hand, was too angry to care about his needs and what Christ wants me to do.
The last two years are marked with being out of God's will, anger is always there, cancer, death, drugs and infidelity.
We have both tried to move on. Divorce papers were drawn up but for some reason, it never was able to be granted or go through. God stopped it.
Now we are to the point that we think being divorced is what God wants. That is what we tell ourselves but we both know the Lord enough to know, that goes against HIS will. But you get so angry that you don't care. You would rather deal with God's wrath than the wrath of your spouse. BUT....for some reason.....we cannot let go. We are both accountable for our marriage. We are both broken.
A movie came out call War Room and it goes with what God has been trying to tell me. PRAY for your husband. I would do it once or twice....then stop because he made me mad and he has free will so it seemed hopeless. AND I didn't want to set myself up for more hurt and dashed hopes.
So after I saw the movie and was suckered punched by the Holy Spirit, I started a 31 day of prayer for my husband. I also included me and my children.
Day 1 was praying for him and scripture to follow. Mark 12:30 "and you shall love the Lord our God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength."
After praying in my special spot I felt....good. At peace. More peace than ever before. My marriage seems totally hopeless. But we are at the point there ONLY ONE can fix. So...I'm trying it.
We have been emailing and no arguments. If we do, I will tell you. Last night we met for the first time in awhile and just went on top of a mountain at 10 PM and gazed at the moon. We have to be careful because our conversations can revert to the past and the pain quickly. It was nice. I had a nice time. Then he went his way and I went mine.
Anger has prevailed in our relationship.
We are both Christians. He is called to be a Pastor. He also has a huge past of drugs and gang banging before Christ.
When life gets bad....and it did...he went back and reopened the door. I, on the other hand, was too angry to care about his needs and what Christ wants me to do.
The last two years are marked with being out of God's will, anger is always there, cancer, death, drugs and infidelity.
We have both tried to move on. Divorce papers were drawn up but for some reason, it never was able to be granted or go through. God stopped it.
Now we are to the point that we think being divorced is what God wants. That is what we tell ourselves but we both know the Lord enough to know, that goes against HIS will. But you get so angry that you don't care. You would rather deal with God's wrath than the wrath of your spouse. BUT....for some reason.....we cannot let go. We are both accountable for our marriage. We are both broken.
A movie came out call War Room and it goes with what God has been trying to tell me. PRAY for your husband. I would do it once or twice....then stop because he made me mad and he has free will so it seemed hopeless. AND I didn't want to set myself up for more hurt and dashed hopes.
So after I saw the movie and was suckered punched by the Holy Spirit, I started a 31 day of prayer for my husband. I also included me and my children.
Day 1 was praying for him and scripture to follow. Mark 12:30 "and you shall love the Lord our God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength."
After praying in my special spot I felt....good. At peace. More peace than ever before. My marriage seems totally hopeless. But we are at the point there ONLY ONE can fix. So...I'm trying it.
We have been emailing and no arguments. If we do, I will tell you. Last night we met for the first time in awhile and just went on top of a mountain at 10 PM and gazed at the moon. We have to be careful because our conversations can revert to the past and the pain quickly. It was nice. I had a nice time. Then he went his way and I went mine.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Really Lord!?
I am going to confess something....something horrible.....I literally do not like someone. Actually there are times I could hate them. They bring out the worse in me and I am spiritually ugly when dealing with them.
They always point out my shortcomings and my flaws without even looking at their own. They can be a master at manipulating and pushing.
When I talk to them (I have to at times), I can stay calm for about 10 minutes then....I lose it. I am not proud of it and it is something I grieve the Holy Spirit over.
I pray constantly for help in this area. Paul had a thorn. I guarantee you, THIS IS MY THORN. I have begged God to release me on this issue on a constant basis and it is still here. UGH!
My mood can change from happy to mad in a split second. I can feel great about my walk and in one conversation with this person and I feel like the worse Christian on the planet. They like to use my walk to manipulate me. Make me feel horrible and guilty so they can get their way or feel better about themselves. At least that is my perception.
This will be an ongoing battle with me and I am sure I will fail many more times. The only way I can get through this is to cut myself off completely. It is tearing my walk to shreds. I refuse to let anyone take that from me again.
They always point out my shortcomings and my flaws without even looking at their own. They can be a master at manipulating and pushing.
When I talk to them (I have to at times), I can stay calm for about 10 minutes then....I lose it. I am not proud of it and it is something I grieve the Holy Spirit over.
I pray constantly for help in this area. Paul had a thorn. I guarantee you, THIS IS MY THORN. I have begged God to release me on this issue on a constant basis and it is still here. UGH!
My mood can change from happy to mad in a split second. I can feel great about my walk and in one conversation with this person and I feel like the worse Christian on the planet. They like to use my walk to manipulate me. Make me feel horrible and guilty so they can get their way or feel better about themselves. At least that is my perception.
This will be an ongoing battle with me and I am sure I will fail many more times. The only way I can get through this is to cut myself off completely. It is tearing my walk to shreds. I refuse to let anyone take that from me again.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Personal Relationship
I gave my heart to God in 1977. I was 9 years old. For most of my life I have heard preachers, missionaries, TV Evangelists, Authors and Sunday School teachers say, "You need a personal relationship with Christ."
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
For all those years I thought I knew what that meant, but in reality, I did not. I thought my relationship was.....personal. I mean Jesus and I talked daily but something was missing. I knew it and I am sure HE did too.
Everyone in the "Christian" community loves to tell you how to walk with God. They love to tell you about your walk with God. What is right and wrong with your walk with God, and how you need to do "this and that" to get a better walk with God. If you listen to everyone like I did, you would burn out quick.
It was just last week that I understood a personal relationship. Personal...meaning....personal to ME. Special, inviting, exciting and personal to ME and my walk with HIM.
I am just now discovering what that is exactly but one thing I do know, no one can tell you how to have a relationship with Him. To make it personal, only you and Him would know how to do that and you will be fulfilled.
It is your walk. It is your salvation. Do it your way between you and Jesus. He loves to grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and talk with you about anything that is bothering you, or something you are happy and excited about, accomplishment's and fears.
HE loves you. He wants it to be just about you and Him. No one else.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)